Trusting In God When You Can’t See Past the Current Mountain

I thought long and hard about what to say to you. I want to talk to you about my scars, well one of them. I’ve never been good at getting close to people. Growing up in Foster Care and then being thrown out like trash, by my adoptive family hardened my heart to love. I always felt alone, unwanted, unloved and unworthy. It wasn’t until I learned to see myself as the Savior sees me that I learned to love myself. Loving myself was the first step to letting others in. It was the first step to accepting the love that others had to give me.

When I started my search for God, I didn’t know who I was looking for I just knew that something was missing. I looked everywhere. I talked to everyone. I felt like my entire life I had been wandering a desert chasing a mirage. When I found Him, it was like coming up for fresh air. Taking that first breath was easy, but it took me a while to trust Him.

The first time I put my faith to the test I packed up my life and moved to Utah. It was the big test of faith but an even bigger test of my trust in Him. When I first moved to Utah, I thought I had life figured out. I’d move here. Get my old job back. Get my own place. Make friends. Become the person I always wanted to be. Haha! My plans… little did I know that God would have another plan for me.

 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” 1 Nephi 3:7

 I spent the first few months living with a family, but I couldn’t keep a stable job. Eventually, that family asked me to move on, and I couch surfed for the months that followed. Throughout this time I learned that my mountain to move was putting my pride aside and asking for help. I had it all planned out… I would talk to this person and they would do XYZ, but life didn’t go that way. After going through my list of resources it turns out that my last option was my best option. I thought that I could tend to my wounds on my own. I didn’t think that anyone would notice if I disappeared into my pain and gave into my despair. Thankfully Heavenly Father had other plans. He put people in my life who noticed and helped me tend to my wounds. I was blessed with two great institute teachers with amazing wives who were in-tuned with the spirit and reached out when I couldn’t find the words to ask for help.

  When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.” Jeffery R. Holland

 One of my favorite scriptures is Matthew 17:20. It’s the time when Jesus healed a boy suffering from epilepsy. Initially, the father brought his son to the disciples, but they couldn’t heal him. When the disciples asked Jesus why; He simply said you don’t have enough faith.

Strengthening my relationship with my Savior required me to develop my seed of faith. I didn’t know how someone so perfect could love someone so broken and flawed. I didn’t know how to accept the fact that His love is unconditional. I tried to rationalize it. I tried to give it away. I even tried to run away from it, but it was always there. In order to nurture my seed, I needed to tend to my wound. I needed to tend to my broken heart. Tending to my wounds and reliving the hardest moments in my life proved to be easier said than done. Even though the “I don’t wanna do this anymore” I learned that with time wounds do heal. I had the opportunity to reconnect with my biological mom, before her passing. Her funeral allowed me to reconnect with my biological family. I learned more about myself. My likes and dislikes. How I want to live my life and one day raise my family.

We all have scars, wounds that we tend to when we are alone and out of sight. I used my pain as a defensive shield. Any time someone got too close, I would put up my shield. My shield protected me from what I thought was put there to cause me harm. When in reality it kept me from being loved and loving those around me. Being loved and wanted is something that we all crave. I know I do. I actively seek opportunities to love others I have found that when we open ourselves up to the possibility our lives will change. Although it may seem scary at first, change is a good thing!

Sometimes our scars are deep, and no matter how hard we try to erase them we will always be able to see them. However, thanks to the Savior’s ultimate sacrifice ( the atonement) we are given a clean slate. Jesus Christ is there for us when we are troubled, when we trespass against the Lord and when we have been wronged. It is there for us when our hearts are broken and when life is not going our way. Jesus Christ is always there for us, all we have to do is reach out.

Reaching out won’t always be easy when you are tending to your own wounds. However, as we take the time to tend to other’s wounds we will find that our wounds are healing in the process. As you tend to your wounds seek Him. Invite Him in and let His unconditional love consume you. His love will heal you from the inside out.

Hello! My name is Keana, but you can call me Kiwi, yes like the fruit or the bird. I’m on a journey to meet myself and love others in the process. haha! I’m not really good at talking about myself, but I want to let you know that we are in this together!